The CAT: Columnist Aptitude Test

Today is National Columnists Day.

Bet it's not even on your calendar. Bet you forgot to get me a card.

That’s OK. It doesn’t carry the same weight as Mother’s Day. There are no hams baking in the oven. No big sales at the mall.

National Columnists Day is not self-serving. The National Society of Newspaper Columnists simply urges those of us in the profession to "write a column about how great it is to be a columnist.''

April 18 is the day we observe because it is the anniversary of the death of Ernie Pyle, considered the patron saint of columnists. Pyle, the famed World War II correspondent, wrote about common folks on the front lines of life trying to make a difference in the world.

On April 18, 1945, he was killed by Japanese machine gun fire on a tiny island in the Pacific. He died with his boots on. He died doing what he loved the most --- writing and reporting.

A few years ago, after I participated in a career day at one of the local high schools, I came up with an aptitude test for column writing. Here’s the test again – with a few revisions. You’re welcome to take the test.

1. Where does a columnist get most of his ideas?

A) Research journals. B) Interviews with experts and intellectuals. C) Discussions with various professionals. D) Funny paper.

2. A columnist makes enough money to own which of the following?

A) Mercerdes. B) Beach condo. C) Original Picasso painting. D) Lawn mower.

3. What is the No. 1 prerequisite for the job?

A) Being able to type 65 words per minute. B) Minimum SAT score of 1550. C) Masters degree in journalism and Ph.D. in philosophy. D) A patient and understanding wife.

4. What does a columnist eat for breakfast?

A) High-fiber cereal. B) Omelets and whole-wheat bagels. C) Strawberries and yogurt. D) Nails.

5. What does a columnist have for dinner?

A) Prime rib. B) French wine. C) Baked Alaska. D) Maalox.

6. Columnists demand solitude while they are writing. Where is the best place to find some peace and quiet?

A) Roof. B) Library. C) Chapel. D) Mercer basketball games.

7. A columnist defines "research" as which of the following?

A) An afternoon poring over clip files and microfilm. B) An afternoon digging through records at the courthouse. C) An afternoon muck-raking over at City Hall. D) An afternoon on the golf course.

8. When it is necessary to turn to other media for information, what is a columnist's best source?

A) CNN. B) Smithsonian magazine. C) Talk radio. D) The Andy Griffith Show.

9. Every columnist needs somebody to pick on. What are the favorite targets of columnists?

A) Politicians. B) Politicians. C) Politicians. D) Politicians.

10. In order to produce columns four times a week, one must keep up with current events. A columnist culls his best material from which of the following?

A) International affairs. B) National affairs. C) Regional affairs. D) White House intern affairs.

11. Since a columnist is in the public eye, what is the required dress code?

A) He must own his own tuxedo. B) He must dry-clean his shirts and polish his shoes. C) He never is allowed to participate in company "dress-down" days. D) He must remember to change his socks.

12. When a columnist suffers from writer's block and runs dry of ideas, is it permissible to "borrow" a column written by another columnist?

A) No! Plagiarism is strictly prohibited by law. B) No! It is a violation of the journalism code of ethics. C) No! Most editors consider stealing another writer's work a firing offense. D) Grizzard? Grisamore? Hey, at least they sound alike!